The Talk - contd

Missy: What is sex? (she really looked innocent and i knew we had to keep it that way.) Ok well, i can always check the meaning in the little dictionary in my house(still looking innocent)
Tej: (oh God give me wisdom! and she has a dictionary!) Ehmmn(very gingerly) well. Sex actually has 2 meanings. It can be a noun and a verb. A noun when you want to know a person's gender...
Missy: Whether the person is male or female?
Tej: Yes. Male or female, boy or girl. It can also be a verb. An action.
Missy: What action?
Tej: An action that happens between a man and a woman ( spiritual hands together in silent prayer: no more question on this)
Missy: Ok...what is the action?

Tej: The Action is something a man and a woman, who are married, do together.

Missy: Okkk, but, WHAT is it?

Tej: Sweetie, i am not sure you'd understand it even if i tried to explain it to you right now and i don't want to confuse you, so i promise, we'll talk about this when you are much older ok?

Missy: OK! (seeming satisfied with the response) so you mean blood will come out from my bum-bum?! (suddenly makes a Tom&Jerry-on-fire face)

Tej: Yes lol

Missy: Aaah! my bum-bum?! blood and pooo???!

Tej: Ok, let me explain sweetie: Every woman has 3 holes around her bum-bum, 1 at the back for poo and 2 in front. Now in front there is a tiny one with which you wee-wee (at this point her face is all serious and attentive as this information sinks in) and the other one where the blood will come out from...

Missy: Wow. 

Tej: Yep. and that is why you should not allow anybody to touch you there ok?

Missy: Ok

Tej: If ANYONE tries to touch you there you must scream, shout, kick or bite the person if you have to ok?

Missy: Ok aunty

Tej: Not everybody who claims to like you is nice ok? some of them are really sick and may want to do waht older people do with you. And that is not right ok baby? That will hurt you real bad and i don't want that to happen to you ok?

Missy: Ok ( looking really sober now)

Tej: Also, don't let anyone play roughly with you by holding you too close or touching you here (pointing at her chest) Make sure yyou report anyone who tries it ok? 

Missy: Ok

Tej: You make sure you tell me or your mum or your dad or your granma ok. Don't EVER be afraid ok? You know why?

Missy: Why? (looking every inch the child she really is)

Tej: Because we love you baby. We love you no matter what. Ok baby?

Missy: Ok aunty (she winds her arms around me and we snuggle) 

It was a beautiful moment.

Tej: Ok baby, thats it. Any questions for me?

Missy: Uh uh (scrambling to her feet she turns back to her usual bubbly playful self, hoping out of my room) Thank you aunty funmi.

Tej: You're welcome baby!

It was  a bit of a difficult moment especially at start-off, but when you have a growing child who isn't always under your watchful eyes, for their own safety you have to equip them with information. Information brings knowledge and with knowledge comes salvation.

Few months down the line now, in a house full of men of different ages, my 8yr old Missy commands respect. She is a lady who does not dress up in the presence of a man and neither does she suffer kindly any "accidental" touch. You can tell by the look in her eyes she is aware of herself and her surroundings. And the best part is: she is not afraid.

In the end i guess i can say that it was worth the Talk.

The Talk

I have a writer's block.
It's been on for quite a while now and almost starting to get scary.
Hi. My name is Tej. my close friends call me tej-amoksy but most call me, tej. So i guess tej should do for our sessions together. Yep, our sessions together. I most definitely want us to be friends. Good friends and while communicating with you in writing could be my form of therapy...lol...i will very much hope ready what i write will also give you some form of...lets say...get-away!
I am trying to sort out my "mind-files" to see if something or some things may be responsible for this writing lethargy of mine. I have a feeling though, that this "block bug"came to be since it's been a while since i had some "spark" in my life...you know, like what you get from hot-wiring and stuff lol...
Recently though i had a very interesting talk with 8 years old niece about puberty, sex and boys.
Yep. The 3 letter words that get almost everybody in trouble (and from what i hear of late, even Priests! so help me God *eyes rolling*). But let's start from the beginning now shall we?
For the purpose of privacy we'll call my lovely niece Missy (i'm sure she'd be beside herself with that name! lol), and after a sudden realisation of the fast pace of her physical growth (as a lot of her peers these days!) and considering our closeness, i decided (since i was the adult here) it was time my not-so-little-Missy needed to know a little about the world that is thrusting itself upon her earnestly.
The following was the line of conversation that took place between yours truly and my fiesty 8year old Missy. Enjoy!


The Talk
Missy: ehen, aunty funmi(yep, she approached me first lol), you said we were going to have a talk about boys and girls, so are you ready today?
Tej: ehm (in-between tidying my room and considering if it was really a good idea bringing the topic up some 2 weeks earlier and seeing i could no longer put if off till "later" like i had done a couple of times already!) are you sure you are not doing anything right now? have you done your homework?
Missy: (hopping on one foot with no care in the world of what lecture she's about to get) yep! you said we will have the talk when you are less busy. so? (she corked her head to one side looking me straight in the eye....something i suddenly found difficult to do)
Tej: Ok, then (donning a very business-like look), sit here beside me on the floor. Now, boys and girls. (pause) Girls. (another pause. Now Missy is looking up at me very expectant of the outpouring of wisdom! If only she knew the struggles, b ut what needs to be done needs to be done. so..) You know soon you will be a teenager (Missy nods emphatically. Whaoh, she seems excited about that aspect already...i better hurry) well, then the next thing is you become an adolescent, that is a young adult and then after 21 years you become an official adult. Meaning you are old enough to make your own decisions and be held responsible for them yeah? ( she nods still. all attention on yours truly).
Well as you are growing you start changing, both in your mind and your body, and that's the reason we are having this conversation, so you understand what is going on and what you need to u nderstand to help you grow better yeah?
Missy: Ok.
Tej: Now the first stage you grow into is puberty
Missy: Pibooty?
Tej: No dear, PU-BER-TY
Missy: Ok. Puberty. (finger up)
Tej: Yes?
Missy: What is PIU-BER-TY?
Tej: (deep sigh) uhmmn..puberty is when a little girl like you start developing into a young woman, you know...growing.
Missy: uh hun..
Tej: And their are some signs that will start to show as you grow into this young woman like eh those two things on your chest ( i point and smile playfully while she suddenly became bashful and covers up with her hands for as usual she was in her briefest briefs) and you'll start what we call Period.
Missy: full stop?
Tej: (laughing) no baby. Its ehmn...lets seee how do i explain this. Ok. inside every woman there are eggs
Missy: Eggs? Like chicken?! (looking every inch bewildered)
Tej: (straight-faced) yep. like chickens. only we don't lay them like chickens. ours stay inside our bodies and just like the eggs of the chicken turns into a baby chick when they sit on it for days. Ours turn into babies in our tummy and after 9months when they are old enough and ready, they come out.
Missy: Wow (growing interest)
Tej: Yes. so, these eggs if they don't turn into babies, they break, and blood comes out and that is what is called Menstration(said very quickly with no intention of going over the particular word again) and thats what we call Period.
Missy: oh, ok...my mum does that.
Tej: Yes dear, and so do i. and you too very soon ok? That's what makes you a woman ok? it'a good thing and you don't need to worry about it ok? and that's why a woman has to keep herself once she starts with her period. There are so many things we need to know about ourselves and sex and boys...
Missy: What is sex? (she really looked innocent and i knew we had to keep it that way.) Ok well, i can always check the meaning in the little dictionary in my house(still looking innocent)
Tej: (oh God give me wisdom! and she has a dictionary!) Ehmmn(very gingerly) well. Sex actually has 2 meanings. It can be a noun and a verb. A noun when you want to know a person's gender...
Missy: Whether the person is male or female?
Tej: Yes. Male or female, boy or girl. It can also be a verb. An action.
Missy: What action?
Tej: An action that happens between a man and a woman ( spiritual hands together in silent prayer: no more question on this)
Missy: Ok...what is the action?


....Now how do you suppose i scaled through that question? lol...please stay tuned.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth.. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly..

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "you are not a man!"

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage.. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew.. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions:
• She didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.
• She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible.. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me.
• But she had something more. She asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning
I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy.


Our son clapped behind us, "daddy is holding mummy in his arms..." His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was greying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me..... She had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... Jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs.. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. "Do you have a fever?" She said.
I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew," I said, "I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more.. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart."

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up.. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.

The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah......blah...blah.

These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.

Do have a real happy marriage, if you’re married.
If you’re not married…

Just believe!

What a Night!

It was a very wet Friday night, yeah this last Friday of the month of September. for those of us who live in Lagos, it is no news how the day ended with torrents of rain bringing with it loads of lightening and thunder and in its wake ...loads of heavy traffic...well for me the situation wasn't any different, more so considering the fact that I stay in an area that is synonymous with traffic: Akowonjo! Well I'd save you the details of our journey home that night since my story begins from the tail end of the journey(i go with the company staff bus). Ok, so like I said it was a rainy night and through all the traffic by the time we got to my end the time was far spent and as the rain was so unexpected I was without an umbrella, unfortunately my stop is three streets away from my house which for me is about 7minutes' walk. Now I knew I wasn't ready to walk all the way home without some protection against the rain so I did what I thought was most convenient for me: I called home just as we were atop the bridge and asked my mum to send down Sadia, our house help, with a pair of slippers and an umbrella which was what she did.
At this point guys, for you to truly understand the story here I have to give you a rough idea of the bearings to my house, so please, indulge me a few minutes, trust me it'll be worth your while...Akowonjo is an area in Lagos notorious for its terribly heavy, and eclectic, traffic flow which usually begins from Ikeja-along, a traffic flow so jammed that it turns a 10minutes' journey into an hour sometimes an hour thirty minutes. All this in the bid to get into Akowonjo Road, which most times turn out to be free once you descend the bridge which leads a new comer to wonder what the cause of the whole traffic fiasco was all about, but we inhabitants know better than to wonder...anyway, Akowonjo which leads you to Egbeda and so on(these names shei? uhmnn) has a parallel road called Shasha Road which equally leads to Shasha village or somewhere. Well my house is strategically situated in-between both roads which gives any informed driver a good option of either negotiating through Akowonjo to get to my place or through shasha which by the way is more stable traffic wise.
Now back to the event of the night...we were atop the bridge and I called home to make the arrangement, however as we approached the start of Akowonjo road, and shasha, the driver decided to go through shasha as Akowonjo turned out to be jammed! Quickly I called home again to see if I could still catch Sadia but alas she had dutifully left for her post of which I expressly asked that she stayed and waited at the bus stop till I got there...lol, well then I was hopeful that the bus would take another detour out of shasha back to Akowonjo, but the driver was not psychic and I had to be fair to the others in the bus, so I swallowed my protest and I watched the bus bump its way closer to my house and farther away from Sadia
Now, here's the punch...lol..somewhere down the road is also a link road that equally leads to Egbeda which by the way, is the bus' ultimate destination and which...lol...passes by the start of my street! Its a 2minutes walk and a 1minute run to my gate! So I said to myself: funmi don't worry...mo kan (take heart), just drop your bag, change your shoe and walk back to the other side and get Sadia. So, here I was, not sad or whinnying...taking responsibility and doing just as I planned, only thing was, Sadia already had my regular slippers and umbrella So I think to myself, which of my other slippers can I change to and I'd be sure not to slip and fall on the rain soaked muddy road of two of the three streets I'd be walking through to get the girl?????ah, I pull out a bag in my wardrobe gunning for an almost forgotten but solidly strong pair of white when another pair comes into view...a brown leather slippers which I rarely ever wore('cos I thought it never really looked hip enough, thus I could afford to get it wet even though it was leather)...
now guys the next few lines you are going to read, promise me you'd be good to me about it cos you know...am a babe nooow...
so I got out of the house, decked in my leather slippers and a small umbrella that covered at least my hair...it was still raining...i walk briskly past the first house, as I reach the second house, I lift my left leg and it suddenly feels...light..i place it on the floor and I limp! What! The sole just went off! Now am caught between going back home...wasting more time(my mum has to go down the slippery staircase(she is almost 70) in the rain a second time to open the gate for me and wait for me to get back so she could lock up behind me)! So here I am, in the rain, oh did I mention I was in a pair of white three quarters?..lol..making a continuous ninety degrees to and fro for about 10seconds and then I thought..oh burger! I have a pair with Sadia anyway and since this one was a nice pair, it still had a thin layer of leather left under my foot...so decision reached, I picked up the detached sole, umbrella on one hand, with a slight limp in my stride, I continued on my journey to fetch Sadia. Past the second house, third, a row of shops with loads of people on the patio, my other leg experienced a release...yup! I looked back when suddenly the limp stopped and stared at what looked like a white stay-cum-gum on a leather sole that looked like it was in motion but had suddenly stopped moving! I laughed...didn't look up...i thought: do I pick you up too? In my left hand I held the wet muddy sole of the left foot and on the floor stood the more muddy right foot! To pick it up I would have to take a couple of paces back and then whoever wasn't certain before would suddenly become “enlightened” of my ...situation! Remember guys I was in white! Shucks! No one would pick it up before I get back, I thought...so I continued on my journey, now totally liberated from the weighty leather soles of my once upon a time leather slippers! Yes guys, I walked through two mud laden streets with one well known for its pepper-soup joints...and believe me...some guys would defy even the rain to have their daily dose of beer, women and pepper soup...but who send....i walked, laughed and shook my head down the streets in the pouring rain till I got to the last street that leads to the bus stop where I believed Sadia would be waiting ignorantly(poor thing) for me. I make a left turn on this busy road that was more commercial than residential with a market alongside it...half way down the road, I felt a slip...did I mention that the slippers was not an in-between toe kinda design...nope...it was a one-strip across the foot kinda slipper..lol...yup, I had the option of dragging my feet on the wet but thankfully tarred road or just damning it all and walking the rest of the way bare feet! Lol! Actually, I chose the former...”luckily” for me, Sadia decided to stand farther away from the junction so it took a while before I could get a glimpse of her and call her over but not before I got a very funny look from a guy atop an okada who obviously wondered how a decked up girl could top off her attire with a totally dismembered what probably used to be a pair of leather slippers! Ladies and gentlemen, my laughter almost became hysterical...i thought how much worse could this get??? as I turned to change the slippers in-between the hustle and bustle of the okada junction, I heard a hunk behind me and my heart sunk as tears just barely lurked at the back of my eyes, I watched the official bus turn in from Egbeda into Samuel street(the tarred road)...let me explain...after the bus dropped me off it headed straight to Egbeda to drop off the rest of the crew, knowing that the driver stays in shasha, I assumed (again) that he'd simply make a U-turn back to shasha, but instead, in did what I had hoped he'd do but didn't bother asking...he drove down Egbeda and back through Akowonjo to detour again through my end...if I had stayed on the bus, I would at that moment only called for Sadia into the bus and we would have alighted at the start of my street and done a 2minutes' walk home.
I watched the bus glide down the road...i smiled, shook my head...laughed a little and said to myself: this I have to share with my peeps, hopefully, if any is as humorously imaginative as moi....you would have shared in the silliness of my Friday night experience!
Shalom.

p.s; life is a journey with a certain end, the choices we make would determine the experiences we gain, good or bad, the end is what matters, lets get there in good shape...let your experiences make you, not mar you...be strong...never loose sight of your vision, never loose your sense of humour...live well...love well...that way, even when you pass on (not away), you will continue to live in the hearts and thoughts of all those you have touched(not necessarily those you loved, but those you touched).